note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
