What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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