you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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