I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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