She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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