Who did Billy Mays play for?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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