I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
