I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize