how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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