I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize