Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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