my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bring me that man meat
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
