I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
