I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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