if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
