Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
