The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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