it wasn't lemon gatorade
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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