Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
