I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
