I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think i have two assholes
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
