Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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