How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize