How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
