I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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