she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
