She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
