he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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