I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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