he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
