Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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