He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
