on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
