my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
