So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You need Xanax blowdarts
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
