I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we're making bets on your personal life
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
