I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
