If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
