Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
