i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
