we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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