So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
