She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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