Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
