My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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