I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
