I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
