Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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