I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
