I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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