I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
