I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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