my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
