She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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