forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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