I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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