Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
