You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
