mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
