did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
