Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
